simplicity

"What manner of men are we then, if we do not have our reason," he said. "We are all no better than beasts in a jungle if that were the case. But we have reason, we can reason with each other and we reason with ourselves."

-The godfather, Mario Puzo


Behind every great fortune there is a crime
- Balzac

sign in on MSN when working.

be in half-daze when working.

not carry everything myself.

The extent of damage is worse than i originally thought.

"I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free"
-Letting go, Sozzi

But, i am so lucky in other ways.

I am not called stoney shumei for nothing.

Do not let the past determine your future.

4 semesters on, i still do not deal with it well enough.

Simplifying things to its lowest terms. The past erased. Glorious, or shameful. It is the last lap.

Work within limits.

the past is fixed. The future is here for u to create.

Jiayou.

It is week 13 !!!!!

Need i say more?


p.s. Been meeting friends these days. Updated their life and mine. Some of the conversations were really enlightening. It is like going through life through their words. A part of themselves that they offer. A lot of comments, ideas, suggestions, concepts were transferred from them to me. And now, i am quite an expert. So many points of view. With all these ideas, i need to decide one for myself. One that i think is most suitable for myself. =)

If i sounded frustrated or at loss, Iam just finding my way. =)

I will not take other's solutions as my own. and i will be responsible for the actions i take. and not blame it on the giver when things fail. Dont worry. I just want to hear more so i make a more sound decision.

So, someone said i got moodswings. And, its kinda permanent. Win alrdy. *clap* Somemore, say i not very "sparky". *clapclap*. Diao. What is sparky? aiz. so weird. U mean like a spark of flame. Bright, eye catching, interesting to watch. Yet, dies out fast, Moment of glory of a few seconds before turning into ashes? Huh. quite confused.

In the leap of faith. So many questions, so little answers.

Determination of the hweeling. How would u know? Were you right? Will it last? Will it be reciprocated? Will it be a waste of time? A distinct blur. All questions fetch no answers. It is indeed a leap of faith. But, no one will take that leap without all securities. Some check for safety harness. Some check the possible attitude of the fall. Some want to see the outstretched hands on the other side. Some blind the eyes of the person on the other side, so that he wouldnt have eyes for anyone else. You blind him, but he can never stop him from walking away. Some, like me, think the leap of faith is too illogical things for me to do. And so, i stare down the cliff time and time again. And, it seemed higher each time.

The possible remedy? There aint no discovered remedy as yet. Perhaps, take a bit of liquor, lose a bit logic, Take a deep deep breathe. I do not know.

I was surfing the net a few days ago. Found this quote.

“A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows. Love can erase an awful past, love can be yours, you'll see at last. To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die. You hope you've found that special rose, 'cause you love and care for the one you chose.”

- Rob Cella quote

Slept a good 10 hours last night. Tendency to feel sleepy easily. Short of stamina. Maybe i should just spend one good day sleeping.
It's scary how tired i can be. Let's see. for the past week i have been sleeping dutifully. about 8-10 hours. Ample rest. Yet, i would feel totally shag out around 9-10pm. Urgh. so strange. Maybe due to the lack of exercise. Maybe my mind wants to shut down from all the notes that i am reading. Maybe it wants to shut down from all the problems around me.
And so, these days i have been sleeping extensively. And Feel Groggily ThroughOut the Day

A chat with lc and other frenz made me realise i am a novice at the 4 letter word. Not that one that starts with F larh. The one that starts with L. L.o.v.e.

Dope! Kao! What u thinking ! =P

Anyway, i realised that i am a novice when it comes to such things. I am so blind. So Blind. Everyone see it before i did. And i feel so stupid. so silly. so dumb. and so angry. at myself. Everyone sees it before me! I am involved. Yet, i am the last one to see it!

and i am a evil person too. I have this plan of getting revenge that isnt healthy. Just to be mean.

Conversation with ph

me: so u are saying it reminds me of something ? (this sentence is edited.)
ph: huh.. erh.. haha
me: hahahhahahahahaha
ph: heh heh
me: hahahhahhahahahaa
ph:....
me: not funny
ph:...
me: hahhahahhahahaha
ph: aiyo.
me:really not funny. hahhhahahahahhaa
me:HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ph: haiz. (shakes head) <- added this in. cuz i can see her shaking her head.

i really dont know how she get what i m saying. I am just laughing and laughing. laughing laughing laughing. its a miracle my head didnt drop off.

btw, i need to go for training. TW 101. Not telling u what it means ! =P *winkwink at ph*

must teach me ! how to TW.

Value of ur existence

What do u measure the value of existence by? Results, GPA, Successes?

s brought this up during a senseless grp msn chat. so typical of him. he was trying to rally ppl to go for movie. when everyone had sth on alrdy.

s: what if the world ends tmr? Would u still be doing ur work?
s: what if the world ends tmr? Will u still be doing ur proj?
s: come on. Let's go for movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

(this is what i rem. not really accurate)

and everyone was either ignoring him. or talking abt something else.

me: We work on the assumption that we would still be alive tmr.
s: That's what ALL econometricians DO ! Assume assume assume! The poor still exist u know !!
me: yeah. they do. So, do the datelines.
s: ...

Anyway, i checked the timeslots. and its all pretty late. so no movieeeeeeeeeee for him.

Anyway, triggering my thots for the moment.

So, we do our work based on the assumption that we would be answerable to them. We work today because of the deadlines a few days after. And, this mentality is slowly ingrained into us. Into our brains. That we work because we are answerable for all these things.

As time goes by, we forget. We forget the very purpose of working.

We work not because we have to answer to the datelines. We work because we are HAPPY doing so. Its voluntary. ALL things are voluntary. You can ALWAYS sweep away your work and run naked at orchard road. ALWAYS.

But, u dont.

We dont live by datelines.

We live by the fact that we enjoy what we are doing.

Successes, GPA, A+ is only a measurement. NOTHING on this round globe can measure ur interest/passion for something.

Are u living for the grades or the passion? Answer me straight in the face. Without a moment of hestitation. Without breaking eye contact. Are u able to do so?

(p.s. this post is written after studying 2 consecutive chapters of eda. it is lethal. bleh. deaded)

experienced lack of appetite. Restless sleep. Hot flushes. Hot tempers. Irritable mood. Gastric. Shoulderache. neck ache. General fatigue. For the past few days.

No. It's not PMS. Pre, present or post.

Its the stress level.

After the sucky pptn yesterday, i slept for a good 10 hours last night. Woke up happier and more relaxed. More "smile"-able. =)

Recovery checkpoint: 60% (reduced the % cuz i tend to be more hopeful than i really am)
There are less thoughts because i kept nothing. no longer thinking abt wat lies inside my closet. Been thinking less. He is gone. but the shadows still haunt. Afraid of repeating the same silly mistake again.

Because of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

- Kelly Clarkson

No longer bashing myself for what happen in the prog. came home straight after prog mtg. got the thigns settled. i seem to be slow at doing things.

Watched Munich. It's steven spielberg. It's very him. Typical of him. the suspense. the transition of scenes. It is spielberg. other directors dont have that gift. on the other hand, it get boring watching speilberg shows for a while. cuz u know what to expect.

took a nap. didnt rest sleep. just tossing and turning. discomfort. weather too warm. Started feeling irritated all over again.

Went with mom to official CC opening. nice place. cool. I signed up for reading room membership. haha. so cool. =) makes me feel like a kid. which is good!

went to the petshops nearby and look at the fish. immediately felt better.

went to buy a bar of choc. instantly felt great.

chocs and fish makes me happy.

=)

i realised that i got a lot of things not done ! i just dumped my things one side clearing my ie project. i've got a lot of admin stuff to do. urgh.

nevertheless, i am less frustrated now. =)

Dont tell me that u have a bad day. Compare with mine. =(

I am very upset about my project group. Report was due yesterday, which we did make it in the end. Pptn is tmr.

i am upset because the group dynamics wasnt there at all. why did things turn out to be so complicated.

i am not pushing the blame to others. there are some mistakes that i made. we should have drafted the report earlier instead of leaving it in point form. with the draft in hand, we could have went thru the conclusion together. no doubt that this could be done.

and meetings are always 3 ppl only. the 2 guys and me. cuz s is not free most of the time. i dont mind it. cuz i know s would appear at the end and contribute. but the guys dont. they dont know s. i guessed they classfied him as a free-rider. lack of trust. and doesnt want him to do the final report.

the two guys. one made me wait for his part on his report from sat to thursday night. and finally did his part while i am waiting on friday night.

the other one took te draft report apart and restructured everything. made the report into short segmented paragraphs which had content but definitely no flow.

they made me and s waited for 2 horus overtime. s started on the report alrdy. s and i later stayed the night in school to complete the report. s wanted to send it directly to class. but the guys were persistent that they want to see it first before submission. and i told s to send it to them first.

s did. and the two guys were unhappy cuz what s wrote was different from how they wanted to be. they want to reedit their own parts. i probed further and he said that the rearrangement of the poitns were wrong. it was simply not how he wanted it to be.

i pleaded with him saying it is troublesome and time consuming to put evverything back together again. he insists. i give way.

they submitted their version of the report. i have not seen it yet. i do not want to see it. s still doesnt know. i m afraid he will jump thru the roof.

i really do not know what to do. it has become a power struggle. it is so complicated. it sure doesnt help that s is difficult to get.

and mtg later at 10. to sort thru the pptn. and i wonder if s would turn up at all.
crap.

they would surely complain abt us. and we abt them.

wtf

where is my fairy ? where is the lady with the halo, wings and the magic wand ? A point of her magic wand will make everything go away.

where is she ? Has she been non existent all my life? it certainly feels this way.

urgh.

mum is upset that i spent the night in school.
body is not feeling very well due to the lack of sleep.
other projs not done.
some personal matters, i feel, i am going in circles again. urgh.

life isnt good.

where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

Time check: 3.53am.

Took a 4 hour nap. Been averaging 4 hours for these *few* weeks. Puffy eyes, killer eyebags, aching shoulders, stiff neck. It's all beginning to show.

got IE submission later today. Still fucking pissed.

You see, you dont suddenly decide to change the focus on the report the day before submission.
You are supposed to pass me ur part last saturday so we can compile report. You missed the self set deadline. Fine, so i would expect you to take responsibility for your part. So, today, the day before submission, i will just add in your part to the final report. That's it. But, no. You gave me the details. But no substantial materials. You gave me all the details about the dates of establishment. But, what are the policies they are currently having? And when i ask, you told me to go read the website. Read the website. Hallo. You missed the deadline we agreed upon. You are supposed to know the details inside out by now. You are supposed to tell us what is relevant and what is not. Not tell me to go read the bloody website. I got fingers. I got a PC. I got brains. I can google and read up on my own. why did u even write the report in the first place?

Wise up, dude. Wise up.

Submission later today. I will take the dateline to be 11.59pm. One minute before the clock strikes 12.

It's not entirely their fault either. The report is no where near the final product. But, i know it will be. S is someone i trust. Not many i trust in this school. I tell u. He is one of the few people i know i can trust. S is busy. But he will perform.

It is really kinda sad over here.

I slept from 11 plus and wake up at 3am. Cook noodles. My bro just went to bed at 3.30am. My mom awaken by the noise, came out to check. Quickly told my brother to go sleep. And search for ingredients for my instant noodles.

It aint supposed to be this way.

You get ur whole lifestyle screwed up when u have two kids studying in uni. One sleeps late. Falls ill. The other dont sleep. You dont get to see much of their faces. And you can only silently support them.

I am so not a good daughter. =(

Pig 1: Wah. U keep all ur msn conversations?

Me: Yep. In case I forgot to take note of meeting place.

Pig 1: do u know police can catch u if u do sex chats? Cuz they can see ur msn history.

2.

Pig 1: He is like more zai in MA than u.

Pig 1: U go class do wat

Pig 1: ???

3.

Pig 1: I noe I am ms world

4.

Pig 2: I am ms universe

5

*Pig 2’s johari results*

Pig 2: wa lau. First time in my life someone says I am quiet. So happy larh.

Me: are u sure he didn’t click the wrong button?

Got friends like this its no wonder why I am bonkers.

Feeling a little under the weather. Weather was been warm these few days. Coupled with insufficient rest, numerous take-outs, impending datelines, I really have been rather tired.

Friends in school are a good bunch. Entertaining ourselves most of the time. Creating a delusion that we are all well and happy. Beneath the lively chatter and joking jeers, there lies our fears and insecurities.

Words no longer make sense. (if u have not noticed alrdy). Sub-optimal productivity. Brain no longer sharp. There aint sufficient time to rest. There aint enough time to sit down and think. If there is time, I sit and sleep.

I am falling sick.

And I am giving myself a off-day on this weekend. Let them wait. I don’t care.

"Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device’
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast"

- Hotel California, The Eagles.

"Although he may not be the man
Some girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me "

- Someone to watch over me, artist unknown

A unexpected sweet song. Sweeter than condensed milk.

It smu time to kickass. Crucial period now. Reading all notes and papers. Pen and pencils are all flying across the room.

it's time to kickass.

i got myself a johari window.

click here to do it.

I am so going to go crazy after exams. Thinking of strip dancing at orchard. Raf, join me ?

I need outside singapore air. Thai ? Viet ? Laos ? LET ME KNOW !!

Froze for a moment when the song started playing. the first few lines. So familar! didnt take me to realise where i saw it before. =) must be one of the songs F sent.

"I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me"

- True. By a certain Ryan Cabrera

Now, i know where it came from. But, who did it referred to ? hee.. haha.. leaving it to speculation. =)

Blog

This is one blog which i think reflects me. she is on the other side of the world. But she expresses what i feel.

Special.

Got into discussion of the feelings of love.

Kinda concluded that it is feeling of happiness when u are together. Everyone sees the silly grin on your face, except yourself. And the glow on your face when he approaches, and suddenly, everyday feels like your birthday. A slice of lemon tastes like a spoonful of sugar. =)

Can you remember your secondary school romance? Doesnt matter if its one-sided. The heart-stopping moments when u see him on the corridors. The extra peeks u steal when u walk pass the classroom. The hot flushes u feel on your cheeks when he is 100m away from you. The incessant teasing and jeers when ur frenz put u together. Your ten little fingers suddenly tied knots, ur throat suddenly felt as dry as desert. And ur heart is soon to explode. You have nv seen his face upfront. Because the conversations you had with him, your eyes were staring at his feet. Ah, the sweetness of secondary school romance !! =)

Somehow, as we grow older, these heart-stopping moments got lesser and lesser.

Life is spent with the person whom matches exactly to your expectations and wishes. Not the person who is able to make ur heart stop.

which is more impt? A person who can make ur heart stop or the person whom is able to take care of u thru life?

Of cuz of cuz, these two people can be 1 person. But we all know how rare it is.

So, ur choice is ...... ?

Diamond in its impure form. Is only a stone. After extraction, precise cut and polishing has to be done to showcase its brilliance. After much efforts, Diamond becomes women's best friend. It is also the hardest stone on earth. Drawing this example closer to the heart, there are people who are much better than us in every way. They are the diamonds. Polished, Pretty, and strong. Sounds good, yah? of course it does. They are the diamonds. But, not forget the long process they went through. You are not yet a Diamond. You are a Diamond-in-training. You might be slower, but certainly capable of it too. There is certainly no need to gape at other ppl's achievements, wishing u were them, viewing them as higher humans compared to urself. What's the use of much admiration? They are showing u how good you can be when u finally become the diamond.

We are all diamonds-in-training. =)

my brilliance shall blind you.

If u are uninterested in class, then dont attend it.

There is certainly no use in attending class when u r totally absorbed in ur laptop. You can be more comfortable surfing the net somewhere else.

Seriously.

A serious lack of effort on your part does not equate to more efforts on my part.

You hv many many things to do and I dont?

It is not about grades. I give a damn abt grades. It's about urself, really.

People should be held responsible for their own parts. damn it.

I've stepped out of the darkness. But, I still see shadows.

Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not enstranged

I didn't lose my mind it was
Mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away...

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

I know from the outside
We looked good for eachother
Felt things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother

I don't want to hate but that's
All you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of
How we all could live

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
(We've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking
(You're far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(Return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you
(Goodbye)
I'd feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

Everything I wanted to be every
Time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes me by and I think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead
- Robbie williams.


Everything is true. except for the mother part.

Wanted to create a post about relationships. Sorted my thots, planned what to write. And suddenly, i dont feel like writing abt it.

People are always talking abt it. Who is with who, Who broke up with who. Who did what to who. Who hurt who. Who confessed to who.

And there are the people involved in it. A is so hurt. B is so happy. C is confused. D is indecisive. E is jealous. F is sentimental.

You have EVERYTHING to say about relationships. You dont need me to go into another round of relationship tutorial. So, i didnot write in the end.

Plus, it would seem so ............. amateur of me. If i m to comment so much abt relationship, when i have problems handling it.

I shall give the commenting to the professionals.

haha

There is nothing left.

Sms and recorded messages are deleted a long time ago. Yellow stalk is thrown after manifestation by ants. I handled the box yesterday, taking it apart piece by piece.

Nothing's left.

Wait. I got the card. which i have absolutely no idea where is it and tts y i cant handle it. I got the stone. which is with the rest of the stones. but that is for the memories, the fact that he existed. and not a fragment of my thoughts. But, even the stone, is kept out of reach.

Basically, there's nothing left.

I am just a cold unfeeling person who throws away everything. What a freak.

No joy. no hopes. no wishes. It is absolute emptiness.

I do not know what i wish for. I only know what i dont want. Is that good enough?

***
"Never let me go. Oh, baby, baby. Never let me go...
And i saw a little girl, her eyes tightly closed, holding to her breast the old kind of world, one that she knew in he heart could not remain, and she was holding it and pleading, never to let her go. "

-Never let me go, Kazuo Ishiguro

This is the most common result i got over the last 2 yrs. So, i am really a ESTJ then.

The title of this blog should be "Simplicity" and not "Slimplicity".